Vanity plates — a fun way to break the tension

Gary Gould — Managing Editor

Gary Gould — Managing Editor

The past couple of editions I have apparently ruffled feathers with my political opinions, so rather than provoke the readership into a mass uprising — you know, like with torches and pitchforks marching down the street toward my office — I thought this week I’d just have fun.

So I’ve been collecting car tags for a few weeks now, preparing for just such an occasion where I needed something a little more light-hearted.

So here’s what I’ve got:

THE WIZ — A few thoughts on who such a license plate might belong to. Someone fond of tales of magic and sorcery, like maybe a Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings fan? Perhaps someone who enjoys the ’70s musical remake of the Wizard of Oz starring Diana Ross and Michael Jackson? Or maybe it’s just someone who really likes that cheese you get in the can?

I LUV U — Well I appreciate the sentiment, but I barely know you. I mean, I literally pulled up behind you here just seconds ago and already you’re professing your love for me? That’s really sort of needy don’t you think? Besides, I already have a girlfriend and I don’t think she’d be cool with this. I was so glad when this car drove off, because it was making me really uncomfortable — especially since the driver might have been a dude.

STEAMN — I’m hoping this is a reference to this person’s perceived notion of his or herself and not to the road rage they are capable of. I’m also afraid it’s what could be coming out from under the hood should the car overheat.

40GLOCK — Saw this vanity plate and decided I’d stay clear. I’m thinking this driver shoots first (.40 caliber Glock) and asks questions later. At least they are giving us fair warning before we cut them off in traffic or flash them the bird.

HAW — This was on a big truck. I’m thinking the owner may have a second truck with a plate that says HEE. Y’all come back now, ya hear!

TREELDY — A woman who is environmentally friendly? Or a woman in the logging business? This one’s a tough call.

PET FREK — A plate out of Virginia,

I’m envisioning someone who owns a lot of pets — dogs, cats, gerbils, snakes, ferrets, birds — or maybe someone who likes freaky pets, like a three-eyed goldfish or two-headed dog.

TRAUMAS — Another car I’m staying away from if I see it on the road ahead of me.

2BCOMFY — Just don’t get too comfortable while driving. We don’t need you nodding off at 70 mph. That would just not end well.

GRVY GRL — I’m thinking this perhaps belongs to a girl who considers herself groovy. Maybe someone who grew up in the 1960s and remembers old TV shows like Laugh In. Either that, or it could be someone with an eating disorder where they only consume gravy. If so, they should consider a new plate — HI CHLSTROL.

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